new year, new you

I keep reminding myself to not call this part “the end”, but it continues to slip in almost every day. “The end has begun,” I text to pb, then delete and retype my message. “The final phase has begun,” I say instead, like I am hatching a big, bad, very evil plan.

Whatever this next phase is, there’s no turning back now. At this morning’s breakfast meeting with a client, I tried to say it as clearly as I could: Public Culture is closing. But when the answer that came back was “what do you mean?” I realised I couldn’t do it. This is the plan, I wanted to say, this is how we will transition your work, these are the freelance services available after closure. I wanted to project calm professionalism, reassurance, but all at once everything came tumbling out of me, incoherently, randomly, and as the words left my mouth all I could think about was oh, so I am still sad about this after all. 

Tomorrow I speak to a client I have worked with for 10 years. I am afraid I will cry at her dining table.